My experience on Welbutrin after being prescribed it by a RN from the Cerebral app.
Or
How to take drugs and piss off people.
A few years ago, the subcontractor we worked under decided to do the unthinkable. They fired all their subcontractors and went inhouse with everything. A business almost 30 years in the making, wiped out over night.
This is a business that I have worked in, in some capacity or other, since I was about 12 years old. Of course then it was more like glorified babysitting, but I grew up in trenches, digging ditches, and working in low voltage with both of my parents.
I've always had higher aspirations of course, but the money was so good, a part of me always knew that I would eventually take over this business.
I’ve been a VP of my parent’s business since I was in my early twenties. I helped make decisions, ran my own crews, etc. For the most part, I know this business like the back of my hand. It’s essentially been my life.
About four years ago, Jo and I bought the business and jumped at it. Everything was great until we started hearing the whispering of the forementioned “unthinkable”. It went from whispers to full on, you’ve got X amount of time to figure out. They essentially lied to us until they just couldn’t anymore. And then, it was over. Windstream nixed everyone, and tried to poach my crews for a ridiculously small amount of money. It was insulting on top of devastating. I had just invest a massive amount of money right before this happened, planning for a glorious future.
So, losing my track in life kind of hurt my feelings, you could say. I got a bit depressed and anxious about the future, and the “give up” attitude kept creeping in. With everything done, it was just a thing. You know? Whats the point in fighting anymore, you know?But the feelings got worse, and worse, until it was hard to get out of bed some days. It was hard to feel anything but anger and resentment, for so many people. Especially Windstream. I know its not personal, but its not always easy to accept that.
We luckily found some work in SC for a while, but it just kept the doors open. We didn't thrive at all. Every one involved hated it. Everything about being two hours from home everyday just wore us all down. Staying in seedy hotels (some of you may remember our adventures in Hemingway), eating nothing but fast food. dealing with transient contractors who didn't give a shit if you stayed or went. It was a lot to deal with. And the money just wasn't there.
Fast forward to about 8 months ago. A new opportunity came up and it was very exciting. We got a new contract much closer to home. Realizing I had been severely down for so long, I knew I had to make some behavioral changes that were necessary for this new opportunity to work. I had to get my shit together.
I started looking for help online. I went to my insurance company website to check for “in network” (what a fucking joke) psychiatrists, but the closest one was over an hour away in downtown ATL, and I knew that wouldn’t work for me. So, one day while scrolling FB or some other mindless dopemine injector, I came across this ad for an app called Cerebral. The algorithm must have detected my extreme engagement lately and assumed I needed help.
To be honest, I loved the idea. I still do. Telehealth is a great concept. I can lay on my own couch instead of getting my head shrunk in some uncomfortable office. If you are comfortable, you can say what you need to say and get the help you need. But, that’s not what happened.
I talked to an NP for about 20 minutes. I told her about my issues with motivation and my anxieties for having to potentially restart my entire life, and by the end of my “30 minute” meeting, I was prescribed Welbutrin. A drug I had previously tried when I wanted to quit smoking in my early 20’s, but the suicidal Ideation was too much. It scared me and I decided smoking was better for me than that medicine.
When she offered it to me, I was very hesitant. But it’s been years since that happened. I’m almost 40 now. So, I decided to do what you are supposed to do with Dr’s. I trusted her. Jo was annoyed and she had right to be. This women had barely spoken to my before giving me mind altering substances. But I was desperate to feel any modicrum of excitement or motivation. Depression and anxiety suck any good out of everything. It makes life hard to enjoy.
This company charged me 80 bucks a month just to prescribe my drugs. Thats it. They "offered" therapy, but the other person helping me disappeared after our first engagement. It was a huge clusterfuck. My prescriber disappeared on maturinity leave in a time of one of my appointments, and no one told me. Theres so much I could say, but thats not the point of this post.
For the first few weeks, I felt weird. Any drug of its sort will make you feel weird until its in your system. But once that happened, I felt fine. I had motivation, and drive again. It was nice to feel like I wanted to sit down and work on the things I enjoyed, writing, reading, gaming, and other hobbies, but what it didn’t do, was reinvigorate my drive for my business. I think Windstream’s kick in the nuts was just too great. I couldn’t get over it.
After a few months, the drive and motivation began to morph into anxiety. And that morphed further into severe anxiety and low mania. I had a ton of energy, but too much anxiety to use it. I felt incapable of doing anything. And the suicidal ideation began it rear its ugly head. If you’ve never experienced anything like it, its fucking scary as hell. It feels like an absolute betrayal from your own mind. I felt I couldn't trust myself anymore. My own thoughts were turning on me.
Suicidal Ideation is somewhere between a feeling, and a thought. The words “kill yourself” aren’t explicitly stated by your inner voice, but you understand exactly what they mean. It’s called an intrusive thought for a reason. I wasn’t planning anything; I wasn’t encouraging the idea. I fought it every time, and that just made the anxiety worse.
I turned to friends and family for support, but the word “Suicidal” just seems to push people away when you are trying to seek help. The harder I tried, the more it seemed to push them away. I’m sure an unhinged manic person messaging them 80 times an hour can be a little daunting.
Mental health issues aren’t something you can easily explain to people. Its like back pain. If they can’t see it, they don’t understand how much you are suffering. And going to a Dr just gets you thrown in a facility for the weekend so you don’t harm yourself. I understand the need for this, but there should be something in-between for people with ideation. Its just not the same as planning or romanticizing the idea. They are compulsive thoughts you can’t control. It’s weird. I hate it.
So, the million-dollar question. Why didn’t I just quit?
Two reasons. One, I liked feeling motivated again. I’ve always wanted more from myself. I’ve wanted to be a writer/creator since the 3rd grade when Miss Webb said I wrote a good poem. Anyone who knows me knows how much I like expressing myself. Feeling that drive is powerful. Even if you have to suffer for it.
Reason two, I was scared to quit. These aren’t drugs you quit willy-nilly. There’s a process to stepping off these types of medications because of the effects they have on your brain chemistry. I was already faced with scary, uncontrollable thoughts, so the idea of having more just terrified me.
The reason I finally decided to quit was because I was becoming increasingly aggressive, and emotional. I had strong confrontations with every person I cared about. I was so quick to lose my temper (something that is absolutely unheard of for me) that I felt unsafe around my workers, customers, employers, friends, and family because I took everything too personally and reacted irrationally to anything that could be seen as criticism.
It all came to head when I just broke down sobbing because I was afraid I was going to hurt someone, or myself. I didn’t. I never came close. But I could feel myself changing into something I didn’t think I could control anymore. I've always considered myself to be relatively collected and calm. I get hyped, but its hard for me to get upset. This change was terrifying. I don't use that term lightly either.
I’m about a month out now from making the decision to taper off and I feel great. I’m still on the medicine, but I am only taking halves now until it runs out. My attitude and behaviors are returning to normal. My temper has cooled and overall, I am excited for the future again.
I want it to be stated that I still believe in mental health therapy/medications. I still take Lexapro for anxiety and I love it. It has benefitted me greatly. If you need help, go see a specialist.
Don’t do what I did and reach out to some app out of desperation. There is a lot of help out there, and some of it is good. These drugs really help, Welbutrin just wasn’t for me, and I was stubborn and stupid for not quitting it sooner. But fear is a hell of a motivator. It’ll make you do dumb shit, and that’s why I’m posting this. I hope someone reads this and it helps them with their own personal mental health journey.
If any of you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. No matter what. I don’t care if I fucking hate you. I will listen, and I will help as much as I can. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I did, ever again.
The cathartic aspect of giving up these meds for the new year, also helped me give up some other vices as well. I’m feeling really excited and hopeful for this next year. Hopefully, its only up from here!